Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
