Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My ATM looks so different sober.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Pooping to opera.
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