respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
