My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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