I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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