i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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