I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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