What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.