why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
