yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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