I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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