If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
