I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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