when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
