i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
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To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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