Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
