You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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