I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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