He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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