saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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