New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
