did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
