when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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