i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....