So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
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This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
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Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...