You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
