Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
