also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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