I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
