i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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