I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
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He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
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To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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