Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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