either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
