I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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