yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
