I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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