She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
