I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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