Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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