I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Vodka?
Forever.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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