Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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