who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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