I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
