I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
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I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
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Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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