Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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