My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
