I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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