i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
