is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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