I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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