why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
