My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
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if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
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We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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