well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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