hotel room ftw
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
